is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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