It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
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I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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