I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
