I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
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I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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