I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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