he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
