I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
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First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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