Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
