why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He did a backflip because drugs
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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