If i could tip my vagina, i would.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
so much tequila, so little girl.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
