He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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