From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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