I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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