I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
