Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize