it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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