I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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