6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
