Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
