i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
