this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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