I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom