Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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