this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
