Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
birth control should be required to get into college
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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