at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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