I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
