Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
