Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
