I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
