Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
