This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
