It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
