you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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