I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
