The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
