are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
