Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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