My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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