A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
