hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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