I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
