How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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