Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
