Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
