THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
