Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
