I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
