All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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