my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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