i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
