i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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