I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
