dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
