we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
