I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
