Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
