I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
