This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
