you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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