The maid of honor just puked.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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