that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
